Sometimes I Don't Know What I'd do Without You...

Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without you
You've almost managed to become part of me

They say a woman should never
Use make up to hide anything
It is supposed to add to what she has
Enhance what is already there
Not cover it all up

Some women won't leave the house
Without putting on their make up

I remember in the beginning
When we were first acquainted
How new and different you seemed to me
And I remember what it felt like
Not to need you this much

Everyone can tell
When mom isn't taking her happy pills
Sometimes she runs out
And has to wait for a refill
A few times she has forgotten a dosage or two
And once or twice she has
Tried to just stop taking them
Cold Turkey

Maybe we are not as different
As she thinks we are

Just take them and have
One glass of wine with dinner
Or two or three
So she can say the things
She keeps to herself
Everyday
When she bites her tongue

We are told an old dog
Can't learn new tricks
And it's not like she's young
She will only ever understand
So much of me

I really am alone out there
In the world
In the nothing
Just another person
Without meaning
Cursing and screaming
When I can't have you

I know I don't need you
But I feel like I do
I've never known something
That has felt this untrue
You have your patterns
And I was warned
I guess I already knew them
Sure enough they were
About as easy to predict
As all of mine

So here we are
But only I can feel you
You don't feel me
All you do is wear me down
While feeding me some
Illusion that you heal me
I know better
And you know that I know
Sometimes at the worst moments
I talk to you as if you were there
Tell you I hate you
Yell at you and swear at you
And turn it into a personal battle

At that point it doesn't matter anymore
You aren't there when I want you
So I'd rather not have you at all
I go back and forth in a struggle
Trying to decide if I should
Flush you, throw you away or
Pour you out
That way I win and I chose
To stop trying
Holding onto you longer
Just means you've won
And more crying

Trying is lying

So sometimes I don't know what I'd do without you
I'd feel drained and dead and like I'd never slept
I'd feel something tense up any time
I reflect on the past and you enter my mind
I'd probably fail at some point
And come back to you
I'd be so sad about everything
I don't think about now
The tears would start and
I would not be able to stop them
I would feel that jolt of what feels like
Electricity
Dizzying, torturing and surging through me
I would want you all the time
I would have no energy
I never had much before
But you would take more than
I probably have to give
I would feel dead but I'd live

But then there are other times too...
When I stop to think more about you

Sometimes I know exactly what I'd do without you
And only half of the time do I think that any of it's true

I would have a chance without you
If you were gone
I would be back
Even if I was never quite the same
And a little worse for having known you
I would be able to do everything
I stopped doing when I started you
I would think of you less the longer we stay apart
I know I will still be doom and gloom
But at least I could finally start
A list of things you keep me from doing
A list of things I let you keep me from doing
Maybe without you I'd make a list of reasons
To not think of you as a lifetime
And call you my last season