Grow Up

I'm in a place where no one wants to be.
Between supposed lovers and suspected rivals,
I could have find myself in total bliss.
You see, I don't hate myself
but I'm far from loving me.
Which use to be fine, cause that's where I found my everything to be at it's best.
I'd fight harder not because I wanted to harm my opponent,
but because I wanted to break out of these fists that bled so profusely.
And it wasn't that I was addicted to the feel of another on my skin,
but the feel of another wanting me was why I was around so much.
But,
it doesn't cut it now.
You see, that balancing bliss that I once had won't cut it anymore.
I'm tipping the scale and I'm barely even moving.
I was dropped a dime and I didn't have any pockets to put it in.
I was poorly mislead to think that I was in harmony in that midsection of life.
I was short on knowledge
and I've had it on my shopping list for a while
it's just that I've been too broke to buy it.
Besides
the knowledge that I needed didn't come with bar codes.
No fancy labels or any price tags,
it just comes when you're ready for it.
And inside that pseudo serenade of serenity,
I thought I already had it.
But, you see
life didn't think I was able to carry the truth.
The fact that the life I wanted to live was nothing but a child's fantasy,
and I had no more Trix in the box
so I guess it was time for me to grow up.
That what I was really looking for was blind
and I couldn't find it no matter how hard I tried.
That I had to live and it would come find me no matter where it might hide.
But, I couldn't just keep going back to that no arms zone
cause what I wanted to find would be in a battlefield
and I couldn't afford to be practice passivism.
No time for me and my saint-type naivety.
Because what I want fights dirty
and it knows everything that it does.
I can't use the lust card anymore
cause I ran out in my account
so now I'm stuck without
any options. So, I guess all I can do now is fight and shout
to the one that I want,
"I'm trying to change so much,
I just can't show you what about.
Because you're too good to take interest in a work in progress,
so I guess it's time for me to process
myself and manifest
a new me for you to desire and respect.
I've played the boy card for too long
when really I'm a man that wants to stand strong
beside you."